On Gym habits.

Striving ever onward to improve myself in as many ways possible I find myself at the gym quite often. (More often find myself in  a book but carrying on...) Can't help but notice the gym sub-culture. Some observations:

1. Young muscle-y boys work out in threes. 

Seriously, I see little testosterone 3 packs all over the gym. Why? I understand groups of 2's... one lifting and one spotting, Mr #3 seems to wonder space-eyed. What is that third dude for? Admiration? Cheerleader? Territory protection? The ride home?

2. TV combat zone. (AKA: The cardio area)

Mr Remote gnome: It's bizzare-the game or CNN is usually on but you never see them touch the remote. They're like Santa.

Ms/Mr Don't give a shit: Could care less what is on the TV,  has a book, magazine or I-pod and is ready to get it done. On a mission. Twin sibling to Ms/Mr Whatever's on.

Ms Uber polite: Doesn't like watching sports or the Simpson's so she holds the remote up and looks everyone in the eye intoning "Is it okay? can I change it, are you watching it?" only after getting approval from everyone in the area, she changes the channel. A cousin to the less popular Ms/Mr Appearances who will ask the people directly on their right and left to convince themselves that they are, in fact, considerate. Despite the other 5 people on machines. 

Ms Tactless: I hate this bitch. There you are, sweating away, watching the game.... and she waltzes in, grabs the remote and turns it to Dr. Phil?!?! WTF. This person is responsible for the creation of the next person:

Ms Hoarder: So no one can change the channel on her during 'What Not to Wear' she grabs up all the remote controls and puts them in her water bottle holder to guard. Instead of a water bottle. Priorities.

Ms Opportunist: Doesn't have cable so if she wants to watch TV, this typically "Don't give a shit" turns "Hoarder" to watch the third period uninterrupted. These people are tolerable for they rarely do it because if they were avid cable watchers they WOULD HAVE CABLE. A more pleasant niece to the irritating Auntie Addict who must  never miss an episode of The Doctors. Ever.

3.Mens mangled Tee's
What used to be regular t-shirts but now are cut or torn from the arm pit to down to the waist. Essentially turning what USED to be functioning article of clothing and turning it into a flap of cloth with a head hole and rendering it less concealing then a toga. Is it showing off your RIBS? ease of movement? ventilation? are they : the hulk, a werewolf, Mr Hyde? 

4. Loiterers.

Hanging around,  staring at TVs, chatting at the receptionist... what are you even doing here? I want to watch you and see if you even touch equipment, but then, what is weirder? The loiterer or the creeper watching the loiterer?

5. Narcissus.

I think the wall mirrors are as much a draw as the equipment-I get checking your form but there are some dudes whose eyes never leave the mirror. Watch themselves lift, watch themselves walk, watch themselves drink... so entranced by their epic-ness that fire could erupt and they would still be admiring themselves.

6. The Grunter.

Soooooo, away you go, doing the circuit when you hear moaning and grunting that could make a school girl blush OR yelling that alarms / startles you. Sweet Lord what are they doing???? You look, and not much. They are just very loud about it. Louder then your i-pod. Men for the most part. Actually, men for every part. Get too many of these guys together and your gym now sounds like a bordello.

7&8 Biblets.

You know 'em. The gals who show up at the gym to ogle or flirt with men. The shallow airheads MUST have a hot BF... right? BAH. Their 'gym clothes' are a bit inappropriate (even less so that those mangled tee's) and they have accessories on (dangle earrings? Really?) and they don't seem to be working hard at ANYTHING. Wouldn't want to ruin their make up or hair. GTFO.

The male version of this can normally hide themselves in with the Narcissus and loiterers until their prey comes along and they can flex in their mangled tee and be generally impressive. GTFO.

Both of you, go find some herpes infested bar to do your trolling.  

Just thought-what if the grunters are the mating call for the biblets? Gross.

9. Swingin' Dicks.

Oh you've seen them-strutting around, like they own the place. Looking irritated, talking to the weights, knuckles dragging on the matt behind them. Touchier then ANY female ever known PMS'ing-I give these guys a WIDE berth. With any luck you won't tempt the bull and they will move onto talking to a nice mirror instead of bothering with you.

10. Unwanted leavings.

Mr Sir-Sweats-A-Lot leaves the equipment and is off to socialise with some loiterers watching TV. COME ON-etiquette people, clean the bench. 

VS

Mr Gonna-Sit-On-The-Equipment-All-Day. He's done his reps. He's done his set. He's got his 'swell' on. He's got view of the mirror... and he's now-texting. 1. Get off the equipment so someone else can use it. 2. Why do you have your phone, are you an ambitious loiterer? 3. GET OFF YOUR PHONE SOCIAL SALLY-so you have an i-phone, we are super impressed. Really.

Application to creep.

So, a few (let us not define few, hmm?) months ago I lost my job and have been mildly bored since. My days are full of job hunting, resume overhauls, facebook games and reading.

You get the picture.

So now, an interesting situation has arisen-and noting obvious boredom issue-I am pondering on it. And using it horrendously as a temporary pass-time.
OK, here's the situation (no-my parents did NOT go on a weeks vacation but it WOULD be cool if they had a brand new porsche...) and again I find myself unsure on how to respond. A relative stranger (ex customer at my former workplace, Blockbuster) approaches me and says I look surprisingly good (backhanded compliment much?) and asks if I have found a job yet.
No, I reply-because I don't.
Obviously.
He then proceeds to give me his phone number while muttering about having 'good money' and 'if you ever need something' to give him a call. Many conclusions / scenarios pop into my head:

1. Nice philanthropist who REALLY appreciated having the right movie to complete his evenings and make them Blockbuster nights.
2. He was looking for the application form filed under 'sugar daddy'.
3. He is recruiting plus sized prostitutes.
4. He is apart of a pyramid scheme and wants me to sell Amway.
5. He is a financial consultant and is after my MOUNDS of EI cash.
6. He is a bankruptcy trustee (filth) and lies in wait for his commission off my eminent downfall resulting from lack of work.
7. I look waaaaaay older then I am and that was the MOST awkward intro line EVER.
8. Psychopath who wants to rub the lotion on the skin.
9. Part of a mob run reverse-Russian-mail-order-bride-scheme. I hear they like em robust over there.
10. He was looking for a babysitter for his grand kids.

POOPIN' IN MY YARD!

Soooo, my neighbour came over to complain that my cats are crapping in his yard. (Can you imagine? Oh the HUMANITY!!! A cat, pooping, outside? ) Given the number of cats roaming around-I am unsure it is, in fact, my cats. I did not know how to respond to him... here are some possibilities:

Philosophically: if a cat shits in your yard-but there is no around to see it, did it really happen?


Star Wars: these are not the cats you are looking for...


Jane Austin-ish: a cat in possession of shit must be in want of a place to shit.


As Sherlock Holmes:"It's the curious incident of the cat pooping in the night time." 
"The cat did no pooping in the night time"
"THAT was the curious incident."

As a fatalist: It was predetermined by fate and therefore unavoidable.

Harry Potter: They are very clever kitties marking the entrance to an underground passageway to the shrieking shack! OR Just wingardium leviosa that shit over the fence.

Mathematically: If X=cat poop and Y=me caring, then by direct relationship X ceases to exist.


Ancient Egyptian: The revered kitty has chosen you-BE HONOURED (or sacrificed, you pick)!

As someone (me) who noticed that someone (him) was obviously shittered at 3pm: Are you sure it wasn't you?


He then suggested a put a kitty litter box outside. Really? I have gardens. Ta-daaaaa, Best. Kitty. Litter. Box. Ever. But I couldn't say that, I'm not TRYING to start a civil war. So I suggest that, possibly, a kitty litter box outside might just attract more cats.
To that, his reply was: "I come in peace". Again, wasn't sure how to respond to that, sooo... a few thoughts jumped into my head:

CREEPING SHITS MAN!!! My neighbour is an alien and is going to beam my cats to the mother ship! I should teach them to use a camera.... 


I should start wearing tinfoil on my head...

I thought your wife's name was Anne?

Clearly, I take the concerns of my neighbours quite seriously.