True and alarming things said during trip to Van City....

Not so long ago a road trip was undertaken to the beautiful city of Vancouver. During the drive - we couldn't help but recap some of the things the driver (yours truly) had said during the trip and started to compose a '10 things you don't want to hear from the driver on a road trip' list. Taken out of context-some were pretty smile worthy.

In quasi chronological order:

On car malfunction:

"Hey guys, look - according to my speedometer we aren't moving."

On checking out the dude that looked like Ryan Reynolds driving in the lane next to us:

LH:  "Tracy, seriously check him out"

ME: "I can't, I'm driving."

LH: "So, I'm married and I'm looking"

ME: "There's a difference, if I look we all die - if you look, your just going to hell."

Upon driving past a digital speedometer on the side of the road near construction:

"SWEET, we'll finally know how fast we're going!"

and

"Hey guys, remember: THIS is what 85 feels like."

JM: "Feels slow."

On a digital highway sign that read 'Checking for intoxication':

JM: "At least they aren't checking for speeders, we're good."

and then...

ME: " You don't know what's in my water bottle..."

On trying to gage speed:

"Ah crap guys, I just passed my pace car - again."

On driving the Coquahalla:

"Look ma, no feet! Anyone think we can reach the bottom without touching the brakes?"

On driving in the city:

"Damn google maps really needs to take one ways into consideration!"

and

"Isn't it conforting to be driving through a part of town where every business has bars on the windows?"

and

"Well, I aways wanted to drive over the Lions Gate bridge." (not on our scheduled route)

one more

"At least we know how to get to Stanley Park now."

****for the record-I knew we had to turn right on W. Georgia to get to the hotel but I couldn't get into the lane so we went left... and for a drive.

On our hotel:

"Isn't that the parking lot they torched the cops cars in during the riot? Wow, you can still see the burn marks."

On this journey was my little sister, identified above as LH - my friend JM and myself. Good times had by all! We had gone down for a concert but were equally stoked to check out some other sights of interest: Canuck Outlet Store, The Canuck Store, RollerGirl and Stanley Park / the Sea Wall. It was a lot of driving and at times, an adventure!

Oh Christmas tree

It's that time of year again... Christmas tree time. If you have learned anything about me so far - it's that I am picky and there is almost always a method and some madness.(that is how the saying goes, right).

Step one: Choosing of the tree.
Hit the tree lots early, so they haven't sat long nor had a chance to freeze as that increases the likelihood of the needles staying on the tree. Don't go for those cultured trees,  (bah, our forefathers didn't have cultured trees! They had a saw, some boots and a truck load of excited kids cheering him on) go for the au-natural beauties with there gaps and flaws. They will be awesome viewing holes later on. Watch for present clearance under the tree and definitive star placement top.

Step two: preliminary steps
Fresh cut the trunk, (all the better to drink the water my dear) and trim any wild limbs. Water the sucker now-she'll be thirsty! Check lights, make sure they twinkle. Check balls, make sure they will hang nicely (with hooks perv) and unroll the cohesive knots of garland.

Step three: Adding the twinkle.
Lights first! First set wrapped around the trunk all the way up - adds depth and inner glow to your master piece. The consecutive strands can ease out to the outer branches. Add star/angel. Hark you cry, that goes last!!! Thsssp, get over it-much more pratical to do now seeing as it plugs into the lights.

Step Four: Garland!
Sparkley snakes of tinsely goodness! Wrapping around the tree leaving perfect draping designs-it is key here to set back and give it a look. Keep it even, keep it level (nothing more annoying than garland that crosses layers like that over achiever in math class) and makes sure it goes all the way up. If you have left overs, they make wonderful boas for a few moments of glam.

Step Five: Hanging your balls.
Now, bulb placement is an art. No two bulbs of similar design together, mix shiny with matte finish. Do not under value the importance of specialty ornaments!!! My tree is sporting "first home 2006"  and various ornimants given to me by others. Makes my tree uber personal as friends and family are apart of my festive season. Looking at my tree I see  Tina, Brandy, Kari-An, Uncle Dave & Auntie Melinda, Grandma G, Grandma K, Eileen, Jane and my parents. Seeing as  I  finding myself missing many of those people, it's nice they are apart of my Christmas.
Make sure you stand back and watch for bare spots-we need even distribution, all around the tree.  Don't be afraid to put some in those (once imperfections) branch gaps that are now lit up like a glowing cave if wonder and merriment.

Last: tinsel
All trees must have tinsel, adds shine and holiday stress relief when you can curse the stuff for sucking to your clothes whenever you walk by. Drape the tinsel kiddies, no clumps! It is to look like icicles forming down your tree (albeit, very shiny icicles). It will glitter and reflect your strategically placed lights and add twinkle to the bulbs.
Once more, take a set back- no bare spots people!

Now, light her up and bask in the same glow you've been basking in since you were a wee kidlet and just finished decorating with your sibs. In my case, my two sisters and baby brother. Dad manning the lights and star, mom supervising tinsel allotments. Passing onto Darryl the pearls of wisdom Uncle Dave passed to

Me ( blow the tinsel and let it land naturaly) helping Tina, and Lisa put their bulbs near the top of the tree.... as they were too short to reach. Ahhh memories.

All these things linger in my mind as a gaze at my tree. One of the few things that still blow my mind.

Oh, and since I am Canadian and I have celebrated this way in this country all my life: Christmas Christmas Christmas, Santa Santa Santa, Christmas Season HO HO HO, God Bless Baby Jesus and I will have a nativity scene, thanks. MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!

Adventures in purse shopping.

Like crawling through the waste lands of useless baggage... Such is purse shopping. (Possibly more difficut then bra shopping but greatfully not as intimate.) Lost in the land of sub par shoulder adornments, you find yourself going in circles: too big, too small, too plain, too shiny, too-sweet Jesus not white!!!!

This process could take many days, many stores and many frustrated sales people but the purse isn't something to be rushed. I know I carry a great deal of my life in mine so it must be right.

Then.

You find it.

In the novels when a warrior finds his true sword it is described as becoming an extension of his arm, balanced perfectly to his swing and the hilt molding perfectly to his hand. If you prefer wand lore, the wand has chosen the wizard and responds to the inner intentions of the bearer and sparks fly.

That, is how to best describe to discovery of MY new purse. An extension of my arm and able to fulfill not only my carrying needs, but also my personal taste and style. Hark, there is the pocket for mine own cell phone, beside it a pocket for cosmetics and around the side a hidden compartment or feminine needs. Not flashy, not boring and most certainly not my mothers purse...

You are the one. The one purse that trumps them all. My precious, my new purse.

Bla, I take it back. Eat Pray Love can EAT me.

In a previous blog I ranted about women in movies and the lack of integral roles to be found that did not need to circle around a man. I stand by that rant. I also ranted about womens interests being met with ridicule because they are for women. I stand by that too.
What I want to take back is the example of Eat Pray Love as something women should hold on high because it is by woman for woman. Thsssp-after watching it I was remnded why I don't like a lot of female driven movies: they stink. I fast forwarded through much of Eat Pray Love praying that it would end soon.

Remember the "Bechdel Test"?
1. Does the movie have at least 2 women in it?
2. Do they talk to each other?
3. Is that conversation about anything other then a man?
Newer criteria:
4. Do the women have names?

I now realise the flaw of my arguement, even I can't stand and make fun of chick flicks. The usual chick flick involves a heap of unrealistic dialog and a side of irrational overreaction. I have not yet met a person who talks with the level of drama that is found in these scripts (if I did I would have to punch them in the face as they would be intolerable ) nor the most high strung of us to spaz out as they do in the movies.

Are many of the big ticket draws for me men? Yup. Does it urk me that women are displayed as spastic, whimsical drama queens? Yup. I get that some need that dose of unrealism to shine up the world.
I am not one of those girls (clearly), I have my feet planted firmly on the ground and am not waiting for a prince to rescue me.

Therefore, I call actress's out there to pull an Angleina. That's right-Miss Jolie picks roles that allow her to kick ass, be tough or challenginly dramatic. She has her sexuality in her pocket, her bad ass-ness in her purse and her dramatic chops in a locket around her neck.

Who knows, maybe if more women went after roles where they weren't .... Ummm .... Ridiculous, then maybe we would see some flicks where girls can hold their own and their characters not needing to revolve around a man. Hopefully, movie makers will credit our integrity and realize that us gals talk about more then men and that we are complex awesome sex who are interesting enough to deserve the focus and after a life with a menstrual cycle-we can seriously kick ass.

What am I saying. Thssssp, even as I formulate this in my head I can hear the collective voices of the feminin defending their right to be girly and to watch mush. It is like paparazzi, they wouldn't have killed Princess Di if people weren't so eager to see the photos. Fine, we will just have to agree to disagree on this one.

I guess men have wrestling.

Burlesque. Moulin Rouge meets Chicago and everything that Nine should have been but wasn't.

I think when Christina Aguilera bit off a piece of Moulin Rouge with Lady Marmalade, the taste lingered.  Burlesque has many of the same elements of Moulin Rouge without the craziness (sadly, without the heart as well), or a jazzed up Chicago.  The songs are upbeat and might have me hunting down the soundtrack after Christmas. Likewise the chorography is sharp and stylish and a lot of fun to watch. Between the costumes, the showmanship and the songs – they put on a damn good show.

That being said - it's a noble acting start for X-Tina, but don't be expecting heaps of accolades. She stole the show on stage but when required to 'act' she didn't sell me much more that my ticket price. The main credit I will throw her way is that, to an extent, I bought the sweet farm girl thing and had to remind my self that she was Miss.'Diiirty'. (Umm, I guess it's Mrs. Diiirty now that she is married). Also, nice job on the executive producer of music for the film - I already said I liked the songs, a lot.  Could have done without some of Christina Auguileras vibratos – holly man that girl likes her own voice.

Awesome part for Cher - couldn't have cast that sucker any better and she looks amazing! In fact, the whole cast was pretty awesome - Stanley Tucci and Kristin Bell are standouts to me. Overall, fun movie but it's popcorn without the butter - filling and tasty but with something missing. It tries to move you and ends up only giving a light push equivalent to a toddler’s angst. But not everything has to tap your soul; some things just need to be fun and shiny.

Thank you Burlesque, for filling the hole in my expectations that Nine left me with. I am, at last, satisfied with a new musical.

PS: If you want a sample of the treat that is the Burlesque soundtrack, I recommend “Express” (X-Tina), “Show Me How You Burlesque”(X-Tina), “Welcome to Burlesque” (Cher)

Realistic seasonal greetings

Tis the season for warm tidings and well wishing... But have you noticed that much of the sentiments are rather repetitive and generic? "May you have a joyous holiday season." or "May you have a Merry Christmas and a happy new year." Nice thought but hardly practical and rarely sincear.

I've come up with some more grounded, realistic seasonal tidings most of us can relate to. Since most seem to start with "May you" that is how I will format my little list.

May you / your:
May you have a block heater and proper length of outdoor extention cord.


May you have the snow in your driveway be the light powdery kind while the type in your yard is the denser snowball packin type.

May your car always start at 10pm after it's been sitting in a parking lot for 8 hours.
In addition; should the situation call for it, may you have jumper cables and a running vehicle attached to the other end.


May you not have the snow plow push SH!T into your driveway after you finish shoveling the darn thing.

May you have fuzzy gloves, dry boots and a thick winter coat.
And a toque, and snow pants, and ear muffs, and chap stick...

May you nOT have to enter a Walmart on the 24th.

May you rejoice as the line at Future Shop on boxing day is short.

May you have good winter tires.
If not then BCAA and let there be no cement barriers in the impending snow bank.

May you remember to always grab a cart. Seriously, just grab a damn cart (you know you will need it).

May you be safe in the knowledge that the Santa that has been watching you all year lives at the North Pole and not across the road.

May you not do irreconcilable damage to a retail employee because the stress of this joyous season is breaking your mind.
Alternatively, may you not need to because s/he is chatting to the person 3 people ahead of you about a boy/girlfriend, meanwhile scanning the purchases at a rate of 1 minute.

May you not forget the cranberry sauce.

May you fill up with the feeling that you had at age 4 when you light up the Christmas tree.
Also, may the needles stay ON your tree till Jan 2nd.

That concludes my list, maybe a few less people will talk like 50 cent Christmas cards this year.

Your welcome.

"Skyline" I Could Fart a Better Movie

Wednesday afternoon I saw a trailer for the movie "Skyline", after I was kinda thinking "Wow, for the special effects extravaganza that it is - I am surprised that they didn't draw a better cast." Seriously Ed Balfour as the main draw? With that dopey kid from "Clueless"?

Interesting choices.

Since my good buddy works at the movie theater, she snuck me into the staff pre-screen so I could give it a watch. After seeing the movie, I get it.

They couldn't PAY someone with any real talent to be in this movie. Literally.

Dialog = crap. Logic = crap. Acting = (you guessed it) Crap. It was utterly predictable, to the point where I could guess who was going to be next to die - it's nice when they add an extra character right on time to bump them off... not that they needed to, because I didn't give two shits for any of the main characters.
In my opinion, they ripped off aspects of better movies (War of the Worlds, District 9, Cloverfield) and did them no justice. This movie is the type that takes a genre and makes it a laughable stereotype - this movie does for Alien flicks what strippers do to woman's lib- undermines the creditability that others have worked hard to achieve.  The only saving grace that stopped me from walking out of the theater was the special effects, while they have NOTHING on District 9, they were shiny.

I guess if I could put the continuity issues, the bad casting, the rip offs and the garbage ending out of my mind then... no, wait. I don't want to. I'm glad I didn't pay to watch this because I could fart a better movie.

Save your money and go rent Scott Pilgrim VS the World.

On Princess Parties

I consider myself a very independent girl, steeped in cynicism and feet firmly planted in reality. I see a button that says "I loved Owl City before Fireflies" and I think: well that just made you lame first.

Who is Owl City? No idea.

It's reflex because it was a tween wearing it and she looked very 'girly'. I watch Snow White in horror at the prospect of a woman, waiting for a man to save her and being the cleaning wench for 7 Dwarfs. (Seriously, the huntsman comes for her and she cowers against a rock and raises her hand as if the shade her eyes. Really? FIGHT DAMN YOU!)

Then I get invited to a 5 year olds princess birthday party. All must come dressed up in frills and have a tea and cookies. You might be thinking "wow, TG is gonna snap!" Right? If you knew me you would anyway. My first gut reaction was, ick. And then....

Oh yes, and then.

The idea of the big flowy skirt awoke in me a little girl, she was deep down.... possibly around my pancreas or maybe even my colon, but she was there. And she smiled. She possessed me to go to the closet and look at my wide variety of bridesmaid dresses (always the bridesmaid...). And then the little bitch got bold, she went whole hog and pulled out the coup de grâce. The mother load, if you will. It was the last time the little girl in me spoke up, it was 15 years ago, it was grad.

Floor length, full skirt, elbow length gloves. It's on!

Look out Princess Tea Party, here comes the little girl in me and she is wearing a crown! Sarcasm and angst, see you tomorrow at our regularly appointed time-sometimes a girls just gotta shine.

Mental Magpie

I was re-reading my Facebook status and let my mind meander about a little quirk I know to be mine. The 'Mental Magpie', picking up information everywhere and storing it.

Quotes. Recording, saving and using other peoples better put ideas. Be it words of symbolism ("What I Hear I Keep") , Words to fashion my self after ("Be the change you want to see in the world") or words that make me laugh.("I feel really bad, baaad Llama.") I love quotes - what someone else has said better than I could hope to and ponder the meaning I find behind them. When I hear or read something that strikes an interest,  I immediately write it down on any surface to record in a more permanent place later. Permanent place being my big quote book, and eclectic blend of ideas and theology's that put together could only make sense to.... me.


I gather my treasures from all areas: books, ("Remeber if the time should come when you have to make a choice between what is right, and what is easy... Remember Cedric Diggory.")  movies, (" You seem a decent fellow. I hate to kill you. /You seem a decent fellow. I hate to die." )  historical figures, ("Vendi, Vidi, Vici") and TV shows...(ahh, Supernatural-Dean-isms make my day).
Little one liners of brilliance that I know I will want to revisit - tidbits that makes me think, smile, cry, and often remind me what I was feeling. I feel the nagging need to record these so I won't forget them as they seem to resonate with me and have significance, even if they are in jest or an example of wit or just clever. 
While reading "Land of Laughs" by Jonathan Carroll I recorded a passage about a mad kite who saw the wind as it's enemy and the sky it's constant battlefield. 
I don't know which causes more pause in my mind-why I love these quotes or what is with my weird need to record them? Perhaps I feel I need a hard copy back up for my unreliable brain? With my love of thought, one would think I would LOVE philosophy. 

But, no, not really. 

I like the quote: Philosophy is the love of logic.

 Maybe I am to A.D.D. for philosophy but I would rather think about how "the hottest places in hell and reserved for those who, in times of great crisis maintain neutrality" then "do people exist when you can't see them? How would you know?". OK, that one does tickle me a bit. OOps, slipped off topic.

Aiding in my 'Mental Magpie-ism" is what I like to call-my kicks. Like a "dog that won't let go till it bleeds" (another quote there-tee hee) my mind sets on a topic and locks it's jaw. I get a taste, then must dive in further. Not too deep-I am not a researcher here, but enough to sate my appetite. 

While re-reading my Steven King library (oooh so good) I was compelled to record the links between his books and all ties to the Dark Tower series. No small feat, Uncle Stevie has been at it a while! 
Say what you will about the DaVinci code, but it sent my mind on a journey that carried on after the book. 
King Henry VIII  with his many wives (prior to the Tudors on TV, mind you) sparked another that expanded to the Tudor Dynasty. 
Cleopatra led to Marc Anthony and an interest in Rome and even lead me to seek the P.O.V. of that tyrant Octavian. 

My latest being Greek Mythology and the Gods. Oh Athena, born of your fathers head (literally), a warrior and symbol of wisdom.


Maybe my 'collection' reflects a desire to write but a lack in personal creativity and ambition. Maybe my mind can only produce <500 word works. Maybe it suggests I am eager for new information and to learn new things. Maybe I should have been a historian. Maybe in a former life I was a bird and kept old habits. Who knows. I'll ponder on it.

Calling all Ladies... time to stick together.

After reading an article in a magazine about women in movies, my mind was left to meander the truth of it. Must say, didn't like what I concluded.

1. A womans roll in cinematic adventures are limited.

2. When something is aimed at women, it is usually met with ridicule.

Would you like me to elaborate?

Thanks, I think I will.

Point one. Woman in movies. We watch movies, right? I know I do, so let's look at the "Bechdel Test". (Recently resurfaced) It asks: 

1. Does the movie have at least 2 women in it?

2. Do they talk to each other?

3. Is that conversation about anything other then a man?

Newer criteria:

4. Do the women have names?

Let's look at some box office toppers:

1. Other Guys. Fail.

2. Inception. Fail. While they do have 2 female protagonists, the only conversation they have is about a male character.

3.Dinner for Schmucks. Fail. Two male leads, any girls are present are 'handbags' to the men.

4. Salt - Fail. But is one of 3 movies in the top 20 with a female lead.

5. Scott Pilgrim. Fail.

Looking at the top 20 movies at the box office right now, I see ONE that fits. 'The Kids Are Alright'. Possibly 'Eclipse' if Alice and Bella ever talk about anything other than Edward.

Upcoming flicks? Harry Potter. Fail. Wallstreet, Fail. Social Network. Fail. I just looked at the 98 'buzz' movies for the fall and found 6 that have the potential to pass. (Won't know for sure until I see them)

Of the 10 Oscar Best Picture Nominated films? I see 5  that might make the cut. Re-read the 4 qualifiers, is it so preposterous to have 2 or more women in a movie that talk to each other about anything other than men? (BTW, if  the rolls were reversed, 1 of 10 best pics noms might not make it. 'Precious'.)

Point Two. Ladies, think of any media entertainment that is aimed at us as a demographic. Now think of one that isn't by and large ridiculed. Books, Movies, magazines, TV.... In my experience, I have heard them be the butt of many jokes-because women like them. I don't feel that any of these outlets are substandard and many have merit but are mocked. Why is this? Worst, why do I feel embarrassed liking girlish things? Maybe this is in my own head but I work in a entertainment driven environment (Movie store) and I hear a lot of bashing and mocking to the point where, at times, I won't admit what I like.

Don't get me wrong - I don't like the majority of rom-coms and such fare, but not because they are girly. More so that the scripts are unrealistic and sometimes ridiculous. I live in reality and like my movies to be reasonable if I accept the premise. (For example: if I accept that people live in outer space and there is a large rebellion in the works... then are the actions/reactions of the cast of Star Wars realistic? Is it realistic that a person would cut the belly of a Ton-Ton to save their friend?) If the dialog makes me think "Who would ACTUALLY say that, or who would seriously DO that...?" you've lost me. Also, I freely admit that there are many movies where adding women wouldn't fit in the story. But so very few that do? Really?

I look at the thrashing 'Twilight' gets, and wonder how many of the people bashing it have READ it? Have they even seen the movies? I liked the books-a lot, and my fondness of the movies has wained only because of the media / merchandise blitz that has followed. Eat, Pray, Love (book and movie) has been targeted for no better reason (that I know of)  than it is a story by a girl for girls. The author herself quipped "If women like it, it must be stupid." to make light of the negativity she's been getting.

Why after all this time are our interests still substandard? Women are the majority consumers!!

We can vote right? We have the right to equal pay for equal work, right? Let's also grant ourselves the freedom to like what we like and embrace being feminine and all things that appealing to us?

I'm not trying to be on a soap box here, nor crying the woes of the female world or simpering about being hard done by. I just want to point this out and get your mind meandering as well about the truth of it. 

PS

Seriously, I am going to watch 'Eat, Pray, Love', 'Never Let Me Go', 'The Bridesmaids',  and 'You Again' this year purely to support the few women driven movies there are! Also 'Burlesque' because it's a large female cast AND a musical-I am women, watch me watch musicals, and love it!